.:abbey & spencer:.

Abbey and I and her mom Carolyn (who is AWESOME!) met years ago. I think the three of us instantly fell in love. Our hearts were the same and we just saw life in such a similar manner. Their joy was contagious and, well, I like joy! Across the years, even as Abbey went off to school, Carolyn and my paths crossed several times. Then I heard via facebook (isn't that how so much information gets transmitted nowadays?) that Abbey was engaged. I *knew* that Spencer had to be spectacular just because Abbey is so amazing. But when Abbey contacted us in early winter with kind words about our photography and the question if perhaps we were available on her date, we were SO excited! A few months later and we were officially Abbey & Spencer's photographers. Needless to say, even though we hadn't even met Spencer at that point, we were psyched!

Since we weren't doing an engagement shoot for Abbey & Spencer, we all chose instead to sit down one afternoon and go through the schedule. (Brian and I learned long ago that for both our sanity and for the couple's sanity, we always put together a timeline of photos, a list of who gets photographed, and a pretty specific schedule for the wedding day with the couple, it makes for much smoother transitions and a whole lot less stress when both the photographers and the couple knows what is happening next!) Though our meeting was intended for just a short meet and greet to get to know Spencer and do a rundown of the day, our introductory meeting turned into a hangout session as we all talked about life, about God, about marriage, about thanksgiving, about personality differences and how they play into a marriage, about wedding planning. Brian and I ended up teaching a class on marriage this semester. Every Friday we gathered for a potluck and anywhere from 6-15 eager mostly-Chinese students who were curious about what the Bible and this young couple could tell them about marriage gathered. As we worked through Tommy Nelson's study on the Song of Solomon (you can find free copies of his, seriously, life-changing podcast here ) we began to be able to put into words, for the first time, just why exactly marriage has been so, well... not too hard, for us. We realized a lot of it was just making one another a priority and the like but we also came across one of the most amazing concepts put into words. It's called the Policy of Joint Enthusiastic Agreement.

Here's the gist. Many times when we start in relationship or a marriage both parties are in a state of Intimacy and generally act as what we would call Givers. What a Giver does is sacrifice his/her own needs for his/her spouse's needs. Any time your spouse asks for something, even if if means you have to make a sacrifice, you willingly oblige. Why? Because you LUUUV each other. So the you two continually make sacrifices. "Husband, you want to go out with the guys this weekend instead of spend time with me? Well... okay, I guess so." "Wife, you want to buy an expensive purse we can't really afford? Well... okay, I guess." Suddenly, at some point, the slumbering Taker comes into play. The Taker sacrifices his/her spouse's needs for his/her own needs. You're tired of continually spending your Friday nights alone cleaning while your husband is out playing around. He is tired of having to work overtime just so he can pay the bills and you can go shopping. Suddenly it doesn't matter what your spouse wants, you will do anything you can to make sure that your needs are met, often regardless or in spite of your spouse's needs. This is when you enter into a state of Conflict. This state is not fun, so it often acquiesces quickly into a state of Withdraw where the couple stops fighting and begins to live separate lives. You stop fighting for your marriage because it doesn't seem worth it anymore. In this state couples are emotionally divorced so they often turn to actual divorce. But no worries, there is still hope, especially if you aren't even married yet! (And even if you are, if you want to read more about these states or how one spouse can take the other back into a state of intimacy from Emotional Withdraw, check out this URL).

Anyway, the way to prevent this spiral downwards we use what we call the Policy of Joint (Enthusiastic!) Agreement. All the time. It may seem like an overwhelming task at first, but I promise you from experience that it gets easier as you practice it! So we've talked about Givers and Takers, right? Neither is actually healthy because being a Giver leads to bitterness and resentment whereas being a Taker leads to inflicting incredible wounds on your spouse and building distrust and barriers between the two of you. We don't want either, right? So the Policy of Joint (Enthusiastic!) Agreement is that you make a decision as a couple not to do anything unless you BOTH enthusiastically agree. Not reluctantly agree. Not give in to avoid conflict. Not sacrifice this time and your spouse sacrifice the next time. Enthusiastically agree every time, even on annoying habits!

Here's an example of what normally happens in marriage:
"Hey, honey, I just got out of the office and I'm going to go down to the bar to have a few drinks with the guys."
"Well that's not fair. I have to watch the kids while you go out and have fun? I want to go out sometimes, too."
"Well how about this, you watch them tonight and next week I will watch them while you go out with your girl friends. Will that work?"
"Fine. I guess. Go have your fun, guess I'll eat dinner by myself taking care of the kids."

What happened? The husband was being a Taker and the wife a Giver. It seemed they put together an acceptable solution, right? The wife sacrifices this week so that next week the husband will sacrifice. Seems fair, right? Well... kind of. But the problem is that the couple created a win-lose scenario. This time the husband wins and the wife loses. Next week the wife wins and the husband loses. Over time, this becomes exhausting and bitterness and separation happens. The Policy of Joint Enthusiastic Agreement strives for win win solutions. Well, what would be a win win solution, you ask?

Let's see it again:
"Hey, honey, I just got out of the office and I'm going to go down to the bar to have a few drinks with the guys."
"Well that's not fair. I have to watch the kids while you go out and have fun? I want to go out sometimes, too."
"Well I just feel really exhausted and need a break from the kids."
"So do I."
"Well... why don't we call your parents? They've been begging to have the kids for awhile. Why don't you drop the kids off at your parents and come join the guys and I and then we can both have a night off together."
"Hey, that's a great idea! I like that one! I'll call my parents and see if they are available."

They just created a win-win scenario where both husband and wife won! If two married persons aren't agreeing on something then they need to sit down, figure out what they both want at the core (both husband and wife wanted a night off) and then figure out a way to do something that makes them both happy. If there are arguments or raised voices or one of you needs time to think about possible solutions (most introverts need time to brainstorm) then stop the discussion and set a time later that day or the next morning to discuss it again. Brainstorm recklessly until you find an idea you both like!

Some dear friends of ours were in a situation that was causing us to worry as they had entered into that state of Conflict I mentioned above. The wife of the couple kept demanding the husband lose his last 10 lbs. that was keeping him overweight and preventing him from being accepted into the military. (In accordance with her wishes, he had tried to join the military the previous summer but had been told he had to lose the 10 lbs. first). The problem was that the husband didn't really want to join the military. His friends know him as a warm, empathetic, sensitive guy who will bend over backwards to help anyone or anything. Realistically, not quite your typical military personnel type, which is the program he was looking into. However, every time he tried to broach the subject with his wife that he wasn't so sure the military was for him, she would get upset and tell him it was the only option and that he needed to step up and be a man. They would both cut the argument short for the sake of peace. He had decided that his only (unhappy) option was to go into the military and take drastic measures to lose the weight, regardless of how it made him feel. Well, having learned about the Policy of Joint Agreement, when we found out, we sent them the URLs with the information and suggested that the couple sit down and try again, this time keeping the Policy of Joint Agreement in mind as they went through the steps for conflict resolution since, clearly, both were not enthusiastic about the decision. (You can find those URLs here and here). The two sat down and figured out the root of both of their desires and what they really wanted. As they used the guidelines to discuss their conflict, they discovered something. When he asked if the most important thing to her was that he join the military he discovered that the most important issue to her was not that he join but that they just get out of their current city and state. This was news to him, but exciting news, nonetheless! After doing some research, they discovered that his current job had offices in quite a few other states and that his location would be open to him transferring to a position in another branch, in another state. They found an opening in a state they both agreed upon and decided that they would just transfer jobs. Problem solved! The power of resolving conflict with the Policy of Joint Agreement. Both of their Givers were satisfied because the other spouse was satisfied and their Takers were satisfied because they also got to do what they wanted to do. If we could all learn to follow this!

So I guess that was a huge digression! Can you see how excited we are about healthy marriages? In our Friday studies this semester we discussed the fact that we all spend so much time and money and effort studying to become experts in our career field. We go to seminars. We take college courses. We research proper techniques and resume formats. But on our marriages often we do so little planning which is so sad because marriages can be the bane of our existence if we let them devolve!

So, needless to say, Abbey, Spencer, Brian and I had a great time talking about many of these fantastic concepts to keeping marriage healthy. I'm sure a few more will creep into to blogs before summer ends, but this one will suffice for now.

The day prior to Abbey and Spencer's wedding it rained. And rained. And rained. And, as usual, people were slightly worried that outdoor photos that Saturday would be out of the question with the rain. But have no fear, Avia's no-rain streak was here! No rain. At all. Though their wedding day had no rain, it was a little chilly. But thankfully Abbey and Spencer decided to do their first look prior to the wedding. The family and guests were all enormously relieved as it meant almost no waiting time for them. We got all of the photos done prior to the ceremony so by the time that Abbey and Spencer walked down the aisle at Faith Family Church in Fayette, they were as relaxed as they could be because all of the hard work had been done! It was time to enjoy their day!

Abbey walked down the aisle to a song the pair had picked out. As she began to come down the aisle we heard a voice that wasn't as familiar but it was absolutely beautiful. It was Abbey's! Abbey recorded the track with her vocals to surprise Spencer. And surprise she did. Spencer, who is not normally as emotive as Abbey, was stunned and overwhelmed by his beautiful bride. From my side I saw Abbey have to hand over her handkerchief to her new husband. Tears are good when they are tears of joy and awe at the life you are about to take part in. Abbey and Spencer decided that they wanted their ceremony to have an eclectic mixture of old and new. Of history and contemporary. They were married beneath a Jewish chuppah to symbolize their faith, their roots, and the new life and home they would build together (Abbey left for Iowa the next day with Spencer!). Instead of a wine glass or unity candle, they did layers of sand in different colors to symbolize their lives intertwining. They began first with white sand which their pastor laid to show their foundation which they both built upon. Finally the pastor finished off the top with the white sand to show that their marriage is under the covering of the Church.

After the ceremony we headed into Columbia to Reynold's Alumni Center. It was decorated beautifully with their theme colors of light blue and brown. And, to top it off, we had some of the most amazing reception food to date: fajitas! We all got to make our own and, if I hadn't still been keeping track of calories as I work on slimming down, I definitely would have been back for a second plate. (Brian, who is not counting calories due to his extraordinarily high metabolism, did go back for seconds. And maybe thirds). A friend from Faith Family made Abbey & Spencer's cake and did a beautiful job. They had Reese's Pieces in brown and orange to match with the Birds of Paradise and the chocolate-covered decor. And to top it off, there was a sweet monkey who guarded the goody bags for guests to use. Abbey had purchased it months ago in the midst of wedding shopping as it matched their colors. It became a running amusement to photograph the monkey with decor for the wedding throughout the process. Needless to say, of course the official wedding monkey had to be photographed with their rings.

Since Abbey & Spencer had an early reception that was sans alcohol and dancing, we got to leave a little early and head out to Rocheport, where we took some great photographs of the two of them (it had finally warmed up!) and Spencer surprised his bride with a beautiful B&B room for their first night together.

Isn't love grand? Enjoy Iowa, you two lovebirds!


Abbey is SO gorgeous! After I showed her this photo in camera I think her words were something to the effect of, "Wow, I look hot." Her mom and I giggled. Yes, Abbey, you do look hot!


One of Abbey's bridesmaids taking a quick lunch break. Because you MUST plan to eat lunch on your wedding day. I don't care how many coffees you've had that morning that have emptied you of all desire to eat. You must put something nourishing in that belly. Abbey and her mom were on top of it, though. Carolyn's friend Karla put together a great tray for everyone.


First looks are fantastical!


Carolyn's friend Karla embroidered all of the ladies antique handkerchiefs. Aren't they darling!?!


Every time I think of the word "chuppah" I want to start singing songs from Fiddler on the Roof!


Proud mama.




Take note of the shape of this awesome napkin.


Notice a similar shape in a certain orange flower? Coincidence?






The matron of honor and best man are married! Isn't that adorable!?!


*sigh*


Columbia's finest locally brewed root beer straight from Flat Branch.




I was a privileged witness to this spontaneous above-water synchronized swimming duo. Pretty awesome, huh?




So pretty! Abbey was wearing the setting to her Grandmother's ring as a necklace.


And here is the infamous monkey who guarded the Reese's Pieces on the cake table. When we met with Abbey & Spencer a few weeks prior to their wedding and Brian asked and then subsequently discovered that Abbey had a freezer full of the yellow Reese's Pieces he offered to take them off of her hands. (Abbey, if you're reading this and still have the yellow Reese's Pieces, Brian told me to remind you that he will still welcome them with open arms. He finished off our goody bag of the little sweets yesterday when I was planting in our garden.)

Love and Reeses Pieces!

Mallory (looked a little worn and crae-crae after a day of shooting) and Brian (being distracted by a little kitty who crossed our path, as usual)