Balthazaar was the first kitty we got when we first were married. Brian begged me until I relented a few weeks after our honeymoon. We made a trip out to my parent's farm and, because she was the bravest of the kittens we found, she was the one to come home with us. Her personality came out almost immediately, much to my surprise. We noticed that she was a little lazy, a little moody, and absolutely did NOT like to be touched. She hasn't changed. We've noticed that she's happiest when we do things for her that she likes. She likes to be furminated, she likes clean and cold water in her large bowl in the kitchen, she likes to drink out of the humidifier bin when Brian changes it, she likes for her hind legs to be scratched when she asks, she likes fresh kitty litter, and she likes to sleep alone. Rather than sleeping with us, she generally crawls into either Brian's sock drawer (as she is pictured above) or into the drawer with my pajamas. In short, she's pretty independent.
Brian, within her first year, decided that he wanted to get Balthazaar a companion. He thought it was sad that we were leaving her alone all day with our jobs so, after some more begging and convincing of me, we made a second trip to my parent's farm to go get Mr. Mostly Mittens. We found him at the bottom of a barrel and fell in love. Brian thought he would be the perfect companion for Balthazaar. We brought him home and had to bottle feed him for a few weeks.
Now, check out what he started to do immediately:
Can you tell what is most important to this little kitty? Snuggling!
Mr. Mostly Mittens was the exact companion Brian had been hoping for Balthazaar. Mr. Mostly Mittens was sweet, gentle, affectionate, and loved to snuggle.
However, we soon noticed a problem with this new companionship. Look at Balthazaar's face. Think she looks annoyed? That's because she is. The new little one would move in to snuggle her and she would tolerate it for a few moments and then either whine or move away. You'd think Mr. Mostly Mittens would get the picture and move on, right?Nope. As he got a little older, he learned a few tricks. If he came into a room and she was sleeping he would quietly get inches away from her and stay still for a few moments.
Then, he'd ever so quietly creep closer and closer and then gently pounce across her body to drape himself over her for a super close nap. Inevitably, each time Balthazaar would wake up and scream at the top of her lungs as if he was trying to kill her.
Still today every morning after breakfast he will jump back into bed with Brian and get as close and as cute as humanly possible. If I'm there, too, he'll make sure that he reaches out his paw to touch my face so that he's touching both of us:
While Balthazaar sits feet away, and could care less:
So despite Brian's best intentions, two years later, the cats still aren't best friends. Mr. Mostly Mittens continues to annoy Balthazaar on a daily basis and she continues to insist that we express our affection for her through the little things that she loves.
My point is that Valentine's Day is coming up. (You're wondering right now why I switched from cats to Valentine's Day) Valentine's Day, in theory, is a day to celebrate our love for one another and for many of us, it is a day for exactly that. However, for some it brings up more emotions of emptiness and despair than love and joy. We remember failed relationships or all of the ways we feel unloved by our boyfriend/spouse.
"He never buys me flowers anymore like he used to when we were dating."
"He never helps me out with the kids at night when he comes home."
"He doesn't ever talk to me anymore, I'm not sure if he even likes me."
"He never tells me I'm beautiful."
"He never holds my hand like we did when we first got married."
Here's the connection! Our cats speak different love languages--Balthazaar receives love through acts of service while Mr. Mostly Mittens receives love through touch--and, chances are, if you are feeling lonely and unloved, then you and your partner likely speak different love languages.
Years ago when I first learned about this concept it was a HUGE revelation. I had several close friends and family members that I felt positive did not care about me. But then I realized they were speaking a different love language than I was. They constantly did things for me (acts of service) while others brought me little trinkets/treasures they had purchased or made for me (gifts) but, because these were not my love languages, I didn't understand that my family and friends were communicating their love for me in their love languages.
So, for Valentine's Day, take our cats as your example! Learn your love language and learn your partner's love language. Then, after you've done this, make your love languages a priority every single day. If you never learn your partner's love language and make it a priority, there will be continual misunderstandings and hostility just like our cats (as I type this I can hear Balthazaar screaming in the next room because Mr. Mostly Mittens is trying to snuggle up next to her). If we could just get Balthazaar to tolerate Mr. Mostly Mitten's affection and get Mr. Mostly Mittens to scratch her hind legs when she asks, so much would be solved! So learn how your partner feels most loved and make their love language a priority!
In case you've never seen it, here's a summary we put together of the Five Love Languages (we're teaching a class on love and relationships and one fellow got so excited when he heard about this that he left the room immediately to go call the girl he liked and tell her about them!) We pray that this information is as much a revelation and a healing hope to your relationships as it has been to ours:
F I V E L O V E L A N G U A G E S
1. Words of Affirmation. If your primary love language is Words of Affirmation, you feel most loved and cared for when someone tells you how wonderful or beautiful or amazing that you are. It could be verbally through a written note or through another way that expresses all of the great qualities you possess and all the ways the world is a better place because you are in it. (Examples: "You are so beautiful. You are so smart. I think you are an amazing woman and I could not imagine a more perfect wife in all of the world.") If your love language is words of affirmation, you are most hurt when someone says negative things about you or to you about yourself. Negative comments and words about you hurt a lot.
2. Acts of service.
If your primary love language is Acts of Service, then when someone does something for you then you feel very loved. (Examples: washing the dishes, cooking a meal, cleaning the house, making repairs to the apartment, working long hours at a job to provide for the family, re-decorating the home, watching the children, etc.) If your love language is acts of service, you are most hurt when your spouse or friend forgets to or neglects to do common chores that would help you in your daily or monthly routine.
3. Affection (touch).
If your primary love language is Affection then simple touch is the way you feel most loved. (Example: holding hands, kisses, sitting very close together on the couch, hugs, intimacy within a marriage.) If your love language is affection, you are most hurt when your spouse will not touch you for days (or months!) at a time. Your spouse refusing to give affection when you are arguing is one of the most painful things you can experience.
4. Quality time (or conversation about meaningful topics). If your primary love language is Quality Time, you feel most loved when you are spending purposeful time with your friends or your spouse. (Examples: attending a play together, playing basketball together, watching a movie you have both picked out and then discussing it, having long conversations on a couch about meaningful topics.) If your love language is quality time, you are most hurt when your friend or spouse does not make the time (or have the time) to spend with you and only you. You will feel lonely and abandoned if your spouse does not make consistent time to be with you.
5. Gifts. If your love language is Gifts, you feel most loved when someone gives you something. If someone makes something for you especially you will feel very honored and cherished. (Examples: receiving a few wildflowers from your spouse, receiving candy, receiving something new that you had been wanting, receiving a handmade gift even if it is ugly!) If your love language is gifts, then if your friends or spouses never give you gifts you will assume that they no longer love nor care about you.
So Happy Valentine's Day, folks!
-Mallory (& Brian)
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